just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
be right there i have to get my cape
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
