I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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