I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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