tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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