tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Houston, we have a squirter
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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