a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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