i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
