At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
