It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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