i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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