I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
