i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
