my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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