did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
