Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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