His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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