I bet he comes in French.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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