Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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