you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
