soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
