I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
