After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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