I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
