Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
