I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Randomize