I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
