I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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