Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
