I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
