she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize