I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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