I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
