were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
