My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
