they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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