I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
