areolas are like halos for boobs.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
