Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
