Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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