Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
