I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
