I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Randomize
