My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
