You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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