How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize