The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize