You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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