Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
