He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
