just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
How external is "for external use only"?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
