Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
