Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
