Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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