My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
