Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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